Book Review: The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga

The Courage to Be Disliked 

The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga might seem at first like just another self-help book, with bold claims on the cover about how it can "change your life" and help you "achieve real happiness." These kinds of statements are common in motivational books, and they might make you think this is just another one of those books filled with generic advice. But as you start reading, it becomes clear that this book is something different. It explores deep psychological and philosophical ideas based on the work of Alfred Adler, an Austrian medical doctor and psychotherapist.

The book is written as a conversation between two characters: a philosopher and a young man. The young man questions the philosopher, particularly about Adler’s idea that "the world is simple, and life is too." This dialogue style makes the book more engaging and easier to connect with, as it feels like you’re part of a conversation rather than just reading a lecture. The back-and-forth between the two characters is similar to the way ancient philosophers like Socrates taught, by asking questions and discussing ideas in depth.

In the afterword, Kishimi talks about how he was influenced by Adler’s ideas through his co-author, Koga. He even compares Koga to Plato, who was a student and writer for the famous philosopher Socrates.

Who Was Alfred Adler?

Before getting into the main ideas of the book, it’s important to understand who Alfred Adler was and why his ideas are significant.

Alfred Adler (1870–1937) was an Austrian medical doctor and psychotherapist who created a new approach to psychology called Individual Psychology. Unlike Sigmund Freud, who focused on the unconscious mind and how it shapes behavior, Adler was more interested in social relationships and how a person’s place in society influences their personality. He believed that feelings of belonging and the role someone plays in their family (like being the oldest or youngest child) are crucial to understanding their behavior.

One of Adler’s key ideas is the "inferiority complex." He argued that everyone experiences feelings of inferiority at some point, but what matters is how we respond to these feelings. Overcoming them is essential for personal growth. Adler’s approach was more focused on how people relate to others and how they can contribute positively to society, rather than just looking at internal conflicts.

Adler’s theories have had a big impact on psychology, especially in areas like child development, education, and leadership. His ideas about how people’s goals and social connections affect their mental health have influenced many areas of study. However, some of Adler’s views, especially on topics like homosexuality, have been controversial and are not widely accepted today. Despite this, his work remains influential in understanding personality and mental health within a social context.

The Book’s Central Idea: Life Is Simple

The main idea of The Courage to Be Disliked is the philosopher’s statement that "the world is simple, and life is too." The young man in the book represents the doubts and questions that many of us have when we hear such a bold statement. Throughout the book, he challenges the philosopher, asking questions that reflect the confusion and complexity we often feel in our own lives.

As I read, I found that many of the young man’s questions were similar to my own. Initially, the philosopher’s answers seemed too simplistic or unrealistic, especially when compared to the complicated reality we live in. But as the discussion continued, I started to see the value in the philosopher’s perspective.

One of the first concepts the philosopher introduces is "teleology," which is the study of the purpose or goal of something rather than its cause. We are often taught to think about why something happened, which is called aetiology. For example, if you have a problem, you might think it’s because of something that happened in your past. Adler, however, challenges this idea. He argues that instead of focusing on what caused a situation, we should focus on what we want to achieve now and in the future.

This is a key point in Adlerian psychology: it’s not about what happened in the past, but about what goals you set for yourself in the present. Adler believed that "people are not driven by past causes, but move toward goals that they themselves set." In other words, what matters is not the circumstances you were born into or what happened to you, but how you use your abilities and opportunities to achieve your goals.

Interpersonal Relationships: The Root of All Problems

Another major idea in the book is that all problems are essentially problems of interpersonal relationships. According to Adler, many of our struggles come from how we interact with others and how we perceive their behavior toward us. For instance, we might feel hurt or offended by the way someone talks to us or treats us. Adler suggests that these feelings often arise because we are not clear about what is our responsibility and what is not.

He introduces the idea of "separating tasks" in relationships. For example, it’s not your job to worry about what other people think of you—that’s their task. Your task is to focus on your own behavior and how you interact with the world. This can be difficult because we often care a lot about what others think of us and fear being disliked. But Adler argues that true freedom comes from accepting that you cannot control others' thoughts and focusing instead on your own actions and goals.

Adler also discusses the common feelings of inferiority that people experience, which can lead to a constant desire to prove oneself or to be superior to others. This is often linked to the fear of being judged or disliked. The book encourages readers to see others not as competitors but as comrades, which can help reduce feelings of inferiority and improve relationships.

The Importance of Enjoying the Process

One of the most impactful ideas in the book is its perspective on how we should approach life. Rather than seeing life as a race to reach the top or achieve certain goals, the book suggests that we should focus on enjoying the process. Life isn’t about reaching a peak, but about "dancing" through the journey, appreciating each moment as it comes.

If we focus only on the end goal, we risk missing out on the experiences that truly make life meaningful. The process—how we live each day, the challenges we face, and the relationships we build—is more important than the final outcome. This idea encourages a shift in perspective, from striving solely for success to finding satisfaction in the everyday moments of life.

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While The Courage to Be Disliked might seem at first like other motivational books, its foundation in Alfred Adler’s psychology gives it a unique depth. The ideas presented are not just about feeling better or achieving success but about fundamentally rethinking how we approach life and relationships. Some parts of the book might feel confusing or counterintuitive, especially when the young man’s doubts resonate more than the philosopher’s answers. However, as you explore the dialogue, the reasoning behind these ideas becomes clearer, offering valuable insights into how we can live more fulfilling lives.

I’m grateful to Himal Pandya Sir for providing this book, as it has helped me gain a deeper understanding of life and how to navigate its complexities.